My recollection is that the notion of ‘secret admirer’ is often associated with Valentine’s day. Though it seems like a lot of letters to fit on a little heart, I vaguely recall that the words ‘secret admirer’, or something like that, used to be written on some of the candy hearts (or maybe the box holding them?) that I was given when a kid. I understand why sometimes admiration has to be secret in human society, but I know that being a secret admirer and/or secretly admired can be a rather sad situation to be in. And that thought is why I decided to make this post tonight (past my bed time!), just before Valentine’s Day. It seems like secret admiring could at least subconsciously be in some minds due to V-day, and thus now might be an opportune time to share one of my creations. Regardless, I’m sharing!
Just over a month ago, I wrote a very short song called ‘Let Me See’ that is somewhat related to this idea of secret admiration (see link below – skip straight to the lil’ ditty if you are tired of reading!). I’m a writer first and foremost, though, so I can’t really justify in my mind uploading a song without also producing some words for someone to read. That said, I do consider my songs primarily word endeavors rather than musical endeavors… Anyways, I hope that you enjoy the written and/or non-written (via the song) words below:
Sometimes lyrics bubble up from an unidentifiable place in my mind for no apparent reason, especially when I am strumming. And the lyrics of this song seem to fall into that rather mysterious category. I often begin songs with the words ‘I don’t know,’ because that is my general stance (even though I love to understand as much as I can). That old habit of beginning strumming sessions with something like ‘I don’t know’ is my explanation for why the first words of the song are what they are. Where the ‘No I don’t really, really, know…what you want from me’ came from, I’m unsure. Maybe Alice the basset hound was pawing me in the face after I had just let her back in from being outside. Probably not, though. I think that she was probably up in my bed. Subconscious echoes, I suppose, explain most of what I do, including thoughts and lyrics. It was late, and I wasn’t tired enough to sleep. I know that the entire second half of this recording is the result of me improvising in regard to words during an uninterrupted stretch of composition while strumming, which is my absolute favorite way to ‘sing.’ It is always cool when the result of such ‘flowing’ is something that I can admire in retrospect.
I find it interesting how I can now decide to upload a song of me singing without a second thought, even though I know anyone could listen (though the vast majority won’t, even of those who receive a notification that I wrote a post). And I know that some of those who listen might criticize me secretly, or openly, for a variety of reasons. Less than 5 years ago I’d be mortified at the thought of such criticism. But the possibility of entering someone else’s consciousness in a positive way far outweighs the risks so far as I’m concerned.
And that risk/reward equation was also, I’m sure, somewhere in my mind when I wrote this song, which includes advice against secret admiring (when possible!) that I will try to follow myself.
I hope that the vibes in this song might contribute at least a tiny part to the larger, complex processes (the innumerable things read, heard, seen, felt, etc.) that ultimately cause one of you out there to attain a liberating moment, after which you might feel something like I do when thinking about my old fears. Glad that you ‘sang’ (metaphorically, or literally) even though you may once have been terrified just at the thought of negative reception. And the memories of being terrified might make the feeling of freedom more sweet.